biLLog

El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron Review

2012-02-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

Video Game Review - El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron

El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron has got to be one of the most titularly confusing, and utterly disappointing games of 2011. I had sincerely high hopes for this game before its release because it seemed to be attempting something daring and unique in today's gaming climate. However the game fails to deliver a satisfying adventure and gripping gameplay, to match its stunning visuals and unique design.

Sightplay - This is the best part of this game. The unique art style is positively captivating and the architechture feels like something truly divine. The interpretation of angels and devils battling each other in a heavenly realm (or hell [or limbo]) is something to experience. The use of raw colors gives backgrounds a degree of abstraction that has proven quite affective in drawing emotion out of me while playing. When I compare it to other games brimming with realisticly textured scenery. Perhaps it's my weakness for cel-shading, but something about the bright colors lends a timeless look. It's what makes Jet Set Radio or Wind Waker still look amazing today. It's unfortunate that the rest of this game doesn't live up to the spectacular and daring visual design.

Soundplay - The voice acting in this game is fairly decent, but the few characters involved will soon grow boring and familiar. The sounds of combat are passable and feel approriate, but sadly just aren't memorable at all. I hate to sound like a broken record but the soundtrack was also forgettable. Not awful mind you, and while you're playing it all seems very cohesive and matches together quite well, just not that great. However after the game is over, rather quickly at that, none of the music really sticks with you. Perhaps it's the fact that the music seems too conventional. Orchestral arrangements for a divine adventure seems almost too expected.

Gameplay - This is where the game completlely falls on its angelic face, with all the impact of a fall from the very heavens themselves. The game is an incredibly simplistic hack and slash with bits of platforming thrown in as well. It seems as though the developers were going for a streamlined approach, but the whole affair comes off as tedious. Even for a game that is about six hours long, you've pretty much played through it all by the half way point. There are only three weapons to use in the game and obviously one of them is overpowered, rendering the other two useless (unless a boss fight forces you to use one in order to finish it off). Perhaps it's the masochist in me but this game could have definitely benefitted from a more action packed approach to gameplay, a la Bayonetta or Devil May Cry. The increase in difficulty would have been greatly appreciated, as I felt like I beat this game half asleep. The 2D platforming sections were a bold way to incorporate some retro segments into the game, but were beyond dull.

Replay - Although I'm reviewing this game late, and the price for this game has gone down substantially, I'm still criticizing this game as if it were full price. And for the full asking price of $60, this game was positively not worth it. It could have been far more successful as a $20 downloadable title, because it feels like that's the amount of content you're getting. The story, although appealing and mystical at first, becomes little more than fun visuals surrounding a dull game. There isn't much by way of replay value at all either. There are six collectible items that, if gathered, provide you with an invulnerable armor to equip making the hardest difficulty an absolute breeze.

Score - 1 out of 5. This game is the epitome of a rental. It's something you must experience, but it might just be as fulfilling if you saw all the cutscenes online instead of having to button mash you're way through the brief game. El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron was a game I was hoping would help inject some new values into the gaming industry, but unfortunately it fails to deliver.

Heppy Valentimes Day

2012-02-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

And so another Valentimes day comes and goes, like so many colored blocks paired into three's and then disappearing into a nameless void. Hopefully it wasn't too bleak for some of you out there without anyone courting for your affections. The rest of you, with any luck, have secured someone to share love with and are enjoying another evening of passionate, if mildly disappointing, consensual sexual congress.

So from me: Have another Heppy Valentimes Day.

I leave you with this wonderful quote I found on VGcats, regarding the very definition of Love.

ᶘᵒᴥᵒ ᶅ Lolo and Lola ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ

"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds."

-VGcats <3

Watchmen 2: The Search for Curly's Gold

2012-02-13T00:19:00.000-08:00

I recently caught wind of the fact that DC is working on releasing a sequel to the Watchmen. This is pretty bizarre news as it always felt like one of those classic works of comic book history that never needed a sequel. Even though it seems that the stories being created are mostly prequels, with very talented writers making individual story arcs for each of the Watchmen, it still feels like some kind of nerd blasphemy. If I'm not mistaken the whole series should be around thirty six issues, with a six issue story here, and four issue story there, and the like.

Some people think of the Watchmen as holy ground to never be tread on again, lest one of the perfectly placed blades of grass be shoved out of order. Other people, including some of the people working on the comic, think that this is exactly what comics books are about. Exploring fascinating characters in extraordinary worlds in an ongoing series of events.

Personally, I don't plan on paying for these comics right out of the gate, but I might wait for whole story arcs to be finished so I can read the entirety of them at my leisure. I mean, its the Watchmen for corn's sake! How could I not want more? But therein lies the rub, because DC knows there is a legion of rabid fans who will devour these comics as soon as they are printed. I wouldn't be surprised to see issues getting marked up by comic book vendors. Its hard to blame them for wanting to make money while struggling to maintain a dying industry, but are the publishers to blame for releasing a sequel I don't feel many people were asking for? The Last Angry Geek will no doubt be reviewing these comics on his web show, but since he goes into spoiler territory it may behoove me to skip to the end of his reviews for the star ratings. Odds are the first issue should be released sometime this summer. Fingers crossed.

Day 1 Dlc & Demon Stone

2012-01-31T14:44:00.001-08:00

The highly anticipated Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoningis allegedly coming with online passes included with each new copy ofthe game. Author R.A. Salvatore was involved with the game, and Ipersonally loved Demon Stone on the PS2 and Xbox, so this is an exciting new IP I'm looking forward to. However, the game offers a story arc that spans seven unique quests and is only offered for freewhen a new copy of the game is purchased. The developer said that itwasn't locked access on the disk, it is DLC intended as a bonus gift tothose who are willing to purchase the game new in an effort support thegames developers and publishers. Tough to argue with something likethat. This might be the first, in hopefully a series, of steps thatvideo game companies will look into. Rewarding people whosupport the industry in some way. The catch in this instance, for me,is the fact that the Day 1 DLC was kind of a surprise. They didn'topenly state that they were using it as a method to fight used gamesales, or piracy. But when they announced what comes with thecollector's edition, that might have been a godo time to sneak it inthe press release. Still it is a more welcome tactic when compared toother video game releases lately.

I wish CAPCOM wouldreimburse me for the Marvel vs. Capcom 3 coaster I paid full price forthe very midnight that it came out, when they rereleased a neweredition of the game a few months later, rendering mine completlyobsolete. And even onthe new disc there are stilllocked characters that you have to pay extra money for. Were they smartthey would have offered to sell something like the "ultimate expansionpack" for at a reduced price to players who actually paid money to support the company the first time.

Shouldn'twe as gamers be expecting frequent updates to help balance the gameplayfrom exploit abusers and metagamers, instead of yearly copies of thegame at full retail price (which in MvC3's case only came with a pathetic excuse for multiplayer and matchmaking)?Leauge of Legends does this near weekly! Free new characters, balancetweaks, and game modes. I think those are the methods that sets LoLapart as being the future of video gaming. If Capcom would havereleased character specific alternate costumes for a dollar a piece,instead of bundling them in groups of four, they would have had mybusiness. Instead, they bundle alternate costumes in packs of four,when I only really want just one. Why not let me choose whichfour alternate costumes in this pack, out of the full reportoire of newcontent, I want to pay for? If they're too greedy to let me get justone at a time, then they don't deserve to be supported for handicappingme, as the player, even further in the decisions I can make with thegame I paid for.

...
Heywhat ever happened with Demon Stone? That game was great. Maybe thatsjust my weakness for elves and wizards and video games talking though.Wasn't Patrick Stewart in it?
...

Wipeout HD Fury: Spector - Just Hiss

2012-01-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

Wipeout is one of my favourite video game franchises, and despite not really liking racing games that much this is a franchise that I've spent many hours of my life on. I can't find many other games that match this sense of speed and science fiction aesthetic so perfectly. So here is just one of the many musical tracks from the long running Wipeout series that I absolutely can't get enough of. Enjoy.

Pac Man 2 Review by 16 Bit Gems

2012-01-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

Yes Yes a thousand times Yes!

Pac Man 2: The New Adventures is a game that holds a very dear place in my heart. As a lifelong Pac Man fan I can admit that in my youth this is a game I would rent from my local video store constantly, so when 16 Bit Gems recently reviewed it as a forgotten classic (like so many others), my heart swelled nearly to bursting.

I have a history of hating adventure games, also known as "pointy clickies", because they recquired too much thinking. I was, and still am, more into reflex and twitch gaming. Trying to determine where to find the object you want so you can trade it for the thing you need, isn't as exciting to me as a batch of skeletons to smash with a hammer. I used to loathe the Kings Quest series for not having a jump button. The only adventure game to ever truly provide me with a fun gaming experience was Pac Man 2. It kind of streamlined the whole thing in a bright and colorful package that I couldn't help but enjoy.

Seeing Pac Man emote like crazy, and with that lovable digitzed voice, made him even more endearing. Although how a yellow circle missing a slice is endearing to begin with, is beyond me. You'll just have to trust me that it is. Seeing the impressively animated protagonist really helps the player to share the celebration of each victory, or the agony of each defeat. And in an era where "thank you for playing" was what you got after tearing your hair out for a whole weekend, this game didn't too that bad a job at making you empathize with the hero.

People hated this game for trying to do something different, and it soon faded into obscurity. I have to admit that although this game features three episodes, and for renting this game damn near monthly (for years), I never beat this game. however it never prevented me from loving every second of it. But this is, without a doubt, my MOST loved adaptation of Pac Men to date. If you can manage the chance to play this game I highly recomend it!

Welcome to Billog in 2012

2012-01-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

Please click play and read, or don't click play and read.

Or click play and don't read, or don't click play and don't read.

But those are your only options.

Thanks everyone for tuning in to biLLog in the year 2012 for my first post! I have to apologize for my hiatus at the end of last year because I was wrapping up school and wanted to take a little time off to enjoy myself. That aside, I will be updating my blog far more with lots of good things in store for this year. This year I will do my best to provide you original content as well. So even if its only a funny picture or video from one of the many sites I admire, hopefully everyday will give you a new reason to come back and check the site out.

As for the Super Mario RPG ending credits video above, after watching The Completionist's hilarious review of this game, it made me take an obligatory stroll down nostalgia lane. Playing this game as a kid was a magical experience, the self referential humor, the simple game design, the colorful cast of characters, and the brilliant music especially was something that I really loved and remember fondly to this day. This awesome medley of the games musical score lets me relive every moment of this game, and feels so celebratory in scale that I just can't help but smile. The actual ending sequence was perhaps one of the most rewarding endings on the Super Nintendo, and its just a parade. Although saying this is just a parade is like saying the game is just an RPG. Seeing the screen grow dark and all the floats turn into a light show made my head explode as a kid, and today it makes me remember what it was like to have to scrap my brains off the ceiling before my parents got home from work.

For some reason this always felt like New Years music to me. As if the raging positivity is setting the tone for whole year ahead, and I truly hope it does for each and everyone of you. Thanks again for stopping by and heppy new years.
~biLLog

You just can't

2011-10-22T01:33:00.000-07:00

You can't see this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iszXLS5hm2c&t=4m25s

and after the 5:57 mark, be able to sit there and tell me there are "good and bad sides to war."

Gotta Play - League of Legends (Annie)

2011-10-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

Here's a bit of me playing a bit of League of Legends. It's free to play on PC and I highly recommend it.

Gotta Play TF2

2011-10-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

Is this yet another stopgap to try and weasel myself some time? Sure it is! But that doesn't mean you should ignore it. School's kicked in so the reviews have been put on hold for awhile. I scribbled at least 5 reviews down but haven't written them out proper like what with the pictures and the scores and the explanations and the what not. So instead here's a little video I threw together to try and get more people to play Team Fortress 2, now free for to play it!

Digital Incentives

2011-09-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

The second God of War Origins HD collection was just released as a digital download on PSN this week, along with Bulletstorm (which I'm currently playing). Sure, Extra Credits already covered this topic far better than I could ever hope to, but that doesn't meant I should deny the internet my views on the matter, as I have a few issues with the way its being handled.

For full retail price, you could purchase these games online and download them straight to your hard drive and play them. My first qualm with this is that you could also buy these games at the same price from a store and have the satisfaction of putting an actual copy of the game on your shelf. Something about being able to see your collection of video games slowly building feels great when you stop and peruse your own library, and a digital download prevents this. This is the nerd collector in me that can't help but love the idea of "the shelf" as a representation of my favourite things. I can't get the same level of satisfaction looking at my Playstation3 and thinking, "Yep. Got the Scott Pilgrim game right there. Yes sir." I'd love to be able to burn a group of PSN titles, as many of them are less than a few hundred megabytes, onto a DVD or Blu-Ray and slide them into the rest of my games library. If I'm going to have to pay full price for a game, I might as well have the plastic case, insert, disc, and booklet to slide into my shelf.

Another reason I'm dissatisfied with these digital downloads is that there is a complete lack of incentive for purchasing them. They could be promoted as "green" due to less plastic and paper wasted with each one they sell, which is embodied by a price reduction. Or perhaps included a few character skins that are only playable when you purchase a game as a digital download.

I long for the day when PSN will offer a special "three for one" special, where for the price of one arcade game, usually $15, you can pick three games from a list of, lets say ten games, that have been out for over two or three years, in an effort to spur interest in sequels or certain developers. Something akin to the "Humble Indie Bundle" on Steam.

The God of War Origins HD Collection contains both the PSP games, which are a lot of fun and great additions to the franchise.

One last thing. Asking $10 for Tetris seems like criminal activity.

biLL andRew and deRRick talk RDD DLC

2011-09-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

Like the name suggests, this is me and some friends talking about new Red Dead Redemption DLC for your viewing pleasure. Sure, its a stopgap to buy me some time for my next post, but it'll have to do for now. Thanks for tuning in!

Medal Of Honor Review

2011-08-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review – Medal of Honor

This game is another modern military first person shooter that is a reboot of the established series which began on Playstation many years ago. Back then it was a great WWII console shooter which relied heavily on atmosphere, because it commissioned by Steven Spielberg to coincide with Saving Private Ryan. The Gaming Historian just did a recent episode on it, and you should check it out over at RetrowareTV. As for this game, well it’s about as cookie cutter as you can get. In a market already oversaturated with modern FPS titles anyway.

Sightplay – The visuals in this game are disappointing. I could talk about the color palette blending together in a mix of grays and browns that plague the modern FPS genre. I could talk about the lack of character models (checkout Red Dead Redemption for an incredible amount of character models) making the game feel like a shooting gallery.

The real reason this game looks ugly, is one very specific thing. It falls into the uncanny valley. Characters are made to look realistic, which throws off the vibe of everything. Perhaps I have a personal vendetta against realism in video games, especially since this is a setting so mired in the “present”. Things look too real, but not real enough to be interesting. Like I mentioned earlier there are only a handful of “enemy combatants” to face up against. So when you’re in a hyper realistic setting, surrounded by ten men trying to kill you, but 3 of them look the same, it completely ruins the realism. Unless the Taliban make it a common practice to hire triplets or twins and dress them exactly the same, which I have to wonder if they do. They don’t I bet.

Soundplay – The gunfire in this game sounds fantastic, and there isn’t much music. What little music there was seemed like generic orchestral fanfare and was entirely forgettable, but didn’t get in the way. I have a HUGE problem with the realism that was used for the dialogue however. It seemed too authentic. Allow me to explain.

If you are a civilian, and have ever been around a group of military people who are talking about the service, you aren’t going to understand most of the things they are talking about because of the heavy use of acronyms and jargon that only people in the service would be able to follow. This creates a disconnect with the player, assuming he or she is a civilian (and even then) because you simply don’t understand what the fuck they are talking about. There isn’t accessibility in the dialogue, and that is not okay. I’ve no doubt in my mind that each acronym meant what it was meant to, and was used as it should be, however that still doesn’t illuminate what anyone is talking about, and forces you out of the conversation. For instance, if after one of these exchanges, the objective marker didn’t update, and you had to figure out what to do next based on the conversation, you’d be shit out of luck!

Also, when you’re going for realism, why would the enemy speak accented English? It just doesn’t make sense. I couldn’t get over this while playing and it really kept this game grounded firmly in the uncanny valley.

Gameplay – As far as first person shooters go, the control are tight. Which is essential, so kudos there. Sadly, you don’t need any other guns except for the ones you begin each mission with. Sure there are a few segments where you need to pick up a sniper rifle or rocket launcher to propel the mission forward, but those aside, there isn’t any reason to not to use the guns you start with. They are the ultimate well rounded rifles that are nearly perfect for every single scenario the game throws at you, and the other guns are used primarily as an excuse to change the tedium of the firing the same omni-gun you start out with.

The single player campaign is short. Like, a few hours to completion short. Multiplayer is boring, in my honest and esteemed opinion. It’s an old game you’ve already played basically. The online mode feels more like which players can sneak up on the others better to determine the winner. When the player models and maps have the exact same fucking color palette, which forces you to really squint to notice hints of movement. Then littering that area with bullets and seeing your kill streak rise, now that sounds like an exercise in tedium. Oddly enough it feels like one too. And when you are forced to play against the level 50 juggernauts with the best gear, it feels even less fun.

To its merit, I will say that Teir 1 challenge is a great addition. It is essentially a “Hardcore Mode” where you have to tackle the single player missions without checkpoints or ammunition refills. It’s a lot of fun to be challenged, and adds to the realism in a good way.

Replay – Aside from Teir 1, there isn’t any. No unlockables. No alternate costumes. No special guns. Not even other graphic filters. Nothing.

Score – 1 out of 5. This game is meant to honor the members of our armed services, but I feel it does them a disservice of sorts. The story is lame, and getting to play as the most elite soldiers who kill hundreds of enemy soldiers without sustaining any causalities is about as unrealistic as you can get, and I feel it paints an unfair picture of the scenario our troops are actually involved in.

There isn’t an exploration about why we are at war, only that America is awesome! There isn’t information about why we’re sending troops to die overseas, only that we’re human and the enemy isn’t. Since this is dedicated to our service men and women, THERE ISN'T A SINGLE WOMAN IN THE GAME! For a game touting its realism, this game is about as realistic as, well, a video game. This is to say, not realistic at all.

Curb Your Favorite Movie Scenes - The Godfather

2011-08-25T23:04:00.001-07:00

too funny.

Atom Zombie Smasher Review

2011-08-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review - Atom Zombie Smasher

A great little game on Steam that just got added to the Humble Indie Bundle 3, if you are willing to pay a certain amount, that is loads of fun and should not be passed up. Especially if you enjoy puzzle games or strategy games, or both!Steam often has incredible sales on games, so if you can't get this game now, I'd beg for you to keep an eye out for whenever it goes on sale again. It's a great buy.

Sightplay - This game's visuals are incredibly simplistic but retain a degree of charm as well. They set out exactly what they aim to do, and that's represent cities needing civilians in need of extraction from zombies hordes. These are represented by yellow squares for humans, and purple squares for zombies. There are a few different colors here or there to represent special types of humans or zombies, but you'll never get them confused. The menu's are simple enough to understand, and being able to rename each unit you have control over is a very welcome option. There are great comic book panel videos in between missions that show the people struggling against the apocalypse. They're confusing but purposefully so, and are eccentric enough to be humorous. Atom Zombie Smasher keeps things simple, and it's probably better off for it.

Soundplay - The excellent mix of surfer tunes mix well with the the 60s theme that the game is going for. Rainfall makes the endless zombie grunts somehow more menacing, especially when thunder crackles over head. The voice over could have been a bit more varied, as most troops under your command have only two confirmations which you'll hear over and over. They went for simple and concise, which doesn't leave any room for misunderstanding. You know which units are which, and are thankful for the clarity in the midst of a chaotic evacuation.

Gameplay - This is where Atom Zombie Smasher really shines. This game is fun, challenging, and addicting. Having to manage where to direct the flow of panicked survivors is exciting, and each city offers a new layout which requires serious plotting and strategy. The various different unit types level up as you use them, and some are on "away missions", rendering them unavailable during certain scenarios. This means you have to manage the changing offensive/defensive resources each time you tackle a stage. You'd be amazed how many people you can rescue with just a few road blocks placed in the right spots. Sometimes you're given a bevy of destructive missiles and cannons, but must balance their usage carefully as destroying buildings kills anything nearby, civilians included.

The game essentially boils down to two things. You're ability to control the movement of both zombies and civilians. This means managing your greed. Sometimes you want to get every single survivor in the map to head towards the epicenter of the map, but those on the outskirts simply wont follow orders because nearby zombies send them into an uncontrollable panic. Other times you'll want to wait until the maximum number of zombies have swarmed your dynamite before detonating it, only for them to disperse in favor of greener pastures, so to speak. I could go on about the unit types at your command, or the zombie types you're pitted up against, but trust me, this game is fun.

Replay - This is where the game falls a little short in my book. I'm told you're able to create and play mods, but I haven't really had a chance to check any of them out. There is only one ending, whether you win or lose the campaign, which is positively baffling. It's very possible to fail one or two very essential missions that will give the zombie hoard such an advantage that winning becomes impossible. There are various difficulties and gameplay rules you can mess with, which is a welcome addition. However a few more modes would have been appreciated also. Despite the lack of endings or any unlockables, this game still retains a great amount of replay value, if only to see just how good you can get at not only saving civilians, but stomping out the zombie hordes.

Score - 3 out of 5. This game is fantastic and was really a lot of fun to play. If a sequel is developed, I would hope the gameplay modes get a little more attention, as well as the number of outcomes that come at the end of the campaign. An offensive mode where killing the most zombies before the timer runs out, without any concern over civilians sounds like it would be fun. Or a mode where you get to control the civilians instead of the safety zone, and have to herd them like lemmings into the indicated zones sounds like a nice change of pace. Also, and I can't stress this enough, a mode where you get to play as the zombies would be an incredible kick in the pants (in a good way). Atom Zombie Smasher is not one to be missed!

Duke Nukem Forever Review

2011-08-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review – Duke Nukem Forever

This game has been twelve years in the making (sort of) and with each passing trailer, Duke became more irrelevant each time. And yet somehow he attracted crowds. After playing the game, I have to admit even I was curious to see how bad this game was going to be. Like passing a car crash on the freeway, you slow down to try and catch a glimpse of the abject horror like everyone else. Only this is worse because you have to pay full price, only to hurt yourself.

Sightplay – This game looks awful. Seriously, it resembles an Xbox (not 360) game. The texture pop in takes days before correcting itself, and even then some objects stay unfocused. The intro sequence to this game looks like an absolute joke. I’ve seen better flash animations on newgrounds five years ago. The character models look like undead marionettes and move so unnaturally that it’s eerie to see so often. Even the strippers, which pretty much made this franchise in the 90s, have only ONE character model. There is a strip club with a dozen of the exact same stripper walking around! Palette swapping thongs and hair color just makes the sequence all the more embarrassing. They don’t even dance, they just swivel around, and after seeing motion captured dancers in GTA4, this is outright impermissible (if you play games for that sort of thing I mean).

Every design is uninspired beyond words. The guns are entirely forgettable, yes even the “ripper”. The aliens are updated version of the monsters from the early entries in the series, but they are absolute jokes. Even the Playstation Duke Nukem games had more enemy variety, by which I mean pig cops wore cowboy hats.

So essentially what I’m trying to say is this game is ugly. Very, very ugly. There is a gallery of all the different stages of this games development over the years, and anything from the 2008 build of this game looks better than the one we actually got.

Strafing > Enemy AI

Soundplay – The only song you should expect to hear is the “theme” of Duke. It should be applauded that they’ve made the world’s most forgettable heavy rock theme of all time. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if it was composed by someone named Gene Eric (this could also be the head developers name also). The aliens are a boring handful of grunts and growls and really do seem like monsters, not aliens. Am I to understand that this species, capable of space flight technology, can’t muster more than angry shouts? It should be noted that the “twins”, who upon being kidnapped spur Duke into action, have the most annoying voices ever recorded in history. When they wind up dead I cheered in my seat, before realizing that I was still playing Duke Nukem Forever.

It’s great to hear John St. John again, but have to admit that he is not enough to save this disaster of a game.

Gameplay – This game required nearly 5 gigs to install on my PS3, and yet each load time took nearly a minute! Are you fucking kidding me? This is a rough beta, not a finished game! The first person shooting is breathtakingly tepid and the controls are stiffer than a petrified tree. There are mini games, sure. However these actually have worse controls than the rest of the game. Try playing air hockey against the computer and you’ll realize how incredibly easy it is to score against yourself.

You can pick up a few objects and throw them with great lethality at enemies however the game is rather inconsistent in this regard. Certain objects, like weights or trophies, can be hurled with the power of Zeus. Yet items like barrels or basketballs fall from Duke’s hands more limply than you’d expect. To put it in terms Duke Nukem would understand, he throws like a girl (insert humorous nudge here)! Angry Joe pointed out in his review, how Duke Nukem drinks a beer, as one of the games power ups for damage resistance, and gets drunk right away. He only drinks one beer! Duke Nukem is a lightweight, especially since he can only hold one beer at a time.

This brings me to my next point, and that is the fact that you can only hold two weapons at a time. What is this, 2002? Duke Nukem is a relic of the old school PC days where an FPS character could run around with a dozen different guns and never be slowed down. Suddenly he’s only able to hold two weapons, and can dual wield none of them. There are turret sections which made me wretch, puzzles which were devoid of any intellectual challenge, and boss fights which were so unimpressive that the obligatory quick time events were a relief (because I didn’t have to play the game for a few seconds).

Replay – There is none. In fact, there isn’t even an ending to this garbage. They make Duke comment on this when the game abruptly goes black like its funny, but self referential humor this is not. Every single “joke” in this game is devoid of punch lines, and is just a series of gross-out gags. There is even literal toilet-humor, which makes me feel like this game was meant for twelve year olds who still giggle at “poop”.

As sad as this may sound, I played this game until I received a Platinum Trophy after earning each achievement the game had to offer. I must have spent more time loading, than actually playing this game and its not even that long. Beating this game on the “Insane” difficulty setting proved impossible on a few occasions. If it weren’t for invincibility exploits in the games design, this game couldn’t be beat on its hardest settings, proving just how incredibly incompetent the developers were. And come on, it’s not like they didn’t have enough time to finish the game right?

Score – 0 out of 5. This game is pretty much a fail, all around. Avoid purchasing this game for more than $5. This is one of those rare games, that in a year or two you and a group of friend will get a few drinks and sit around to play together so you can all laugh at how bad it is. Like watching Undefeatable, which if you haven’t, must rectify as soon as humanly possible.

video nonsense to buy me time!

2011-08-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

I swear the duke nukem review is coming. in order to buy me some time i've decided to post a video of me mouthing off about stuff using my friends webcam. hope you enjoy it, and don't resent me too much for lagging it.

Nartuo and censorhip

2011-07-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Whenever anime get localized into English for release in America, they inevitably get censored. Well, not the "mature" stuff, but show's like Naruto and Dragonball Z certainly get put through the censorship wringer. On some level, its understandable because these shows, from their inception in Japanese, are meant for a broad "young adult" audience. Shounen anime's are made primarily for male teenage audiences, and have a large cast of colorful characters, with a very convenient plot device to facilitate combat between them all.

This is nothing new, and is pretty basic in comic books such as Marvel or DC when you think about it. They're rarely groundbreaking and just feed the need for adolescent violence that get such good ratings (not to mention merchandising ventures). These shows always have people getting punched through buildings, only to emerge with a torn collar. These kinds of anime, in their original form, tend to have blood, murder, foul language, and mild sexual themes.

When Naruto became localized for the US, the blood was all but removed, being replaced by seemingly cauterized wounds. Any blood that is visible is turned black and looks like oil. Instead, characters just get dirt patches on their skin to indicate damage. Even the adult female characters have their cleavage erased, which makes women with massive breasts (all too common in anime) look outright ridiculous.

Left: Censored. Right: Original.

But I digress. Recently, my friend noticed something peculiar during a recent episode of Naruto. While facing a particularly dangerous villain who, after tasting the blood of his opponent, becomes invincible to their attacks. The villain is defeated by accidentally being tricked into tasting his own blood, leaving him vulnerable to others attacks. Yet when he consumed the false blood, it wasn't red, but rather, clear. During the typical exposition about how he was tricked, the protagonist refers to switching DNA, never saying the word "blood" once.

I just cant fathom why they would skirt around the perils of fighting like this. If you beat someone up, they will bleed, and if they bleed enough, they will die. This is what makes fighting so dangerous. Instead, they've found another way to remove the threat of physical violence, in a cartoon that is 100% reliant on violence!

That's supposed to be what makes Naruto such a great protagonist. He's quick throw the first punch as a hot headed buffoon. However, after numerous confrontations he learns that fighting won't solve anything in the grand scheme of things. In fact, his greatest skill is his ability to befriend his deadliest enemies, and turn them to the side of good/justice. But with the threat of danger consistently removed from the censored version, it makes his trials and tribulations far less impaction.

Ok, rant over.

DeathSpank Review

2011-07-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review - DeathSpank

Sightplay - this game is simply visualized and it works to its credit very well. pretty much everything that isn't a character or monster is 2D. the monster design's are a well done and simple kind of 'monster 101' for fantasy games. they don't take any risks and keep things familiar. i was a bit annoyed by certain lands having only one or two monster types, changing only in size. for example the young yeti, adult yeti, and elder yeti are the same character model, just in small, medium, and large sizes. this doesn't happen often, but when it does its notable. the whole game is delightfully colorful and the world changes through the typical video game settings. the forest (green), the demon/lava world (red), the arctic (blue), the fields (yellow), and the undead land (purple). Sure, they're typical, but since the game doesn't take itself too seriously, they're played for laughs and are constantly taking jabs at their well known settings.
all the different weapons and armor are well crafted and look varied. nothing worse than new equipment that looks exactly the same. *cough* Dragon Age 2! *cough*

Soundplay - the dialogue is hilarious in this game, as the main character reminds me of Ron Burgundy, as the protagonist is convinced he's a genius, despite being openly moronic. the other characters are pretty ridiculous and deliver their lines with the same sincerity. the music is rather forgettable, but doesn't get in the way. it's good, just not great.

Gameplay - This game is essentially a diablo-clone. You roam a decently sized world, dispensing justice [literally] to any monsters you come across. the map screen could use some work, as you can't switch between map segments at all, which can lead to some frustrating moments. the action is simple and well done. unfortunately most of the weapons pale in comparison to a certain few, especially when considering the special abilities some offer over others. you can use whatever weapons you like sure, but you'd be making things harder for yourself.

It's a load of fun, it just doesn't offer much in terms of experimentation. when you level up, you can choose one of three upgrades, and i think it's a wonderful way of simplifying the adventure genre gameplay. all three upgrades will eb nice boosts, so to choose just one actually requires thought and you will actually feel the affects they have on your character. i hate when games give you stat points to allocate each level, and after placing them in certain stats, you still feel like nothing has changed. luckily, such is not the case here.

Replay - Unfortunately, there isn't much reason to play this game after you beat it. there's the usual sequel bait, and since this review is 'really' late, the sequel has already been out for some time now, with the third sequel in development.

Score - 3/5. This is a great game, made only better by its sense of humor. i'm looking forward to reviewing the next entry in the franchise, and any future installments. Deathspank is a great new protagonist, in a gaming industry so over saturated with invincible space marines and gravelly voiced anti-heroes.

Big ups

2011-07-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on my Duken Nukem Forever review, big thanks to my friend Victor for letting me borrow that and the latest Medal of Honor, the review for that will come after I get a chance to play it. Also to my friend Mike for letting me hold on to his copy of White Knight Chronicles while he's out of town. Will try and play that eventually for a review. Big ups also go to Derrick for letting me borrow Dragon Age 2 (and origins). Shout out also goes to Andrew for letting me borrow Vanquish. If it weren't for these guys, I wouldn't have nearly as many topical reviews to write. Once I get through with these reviews, I'll be onto reviewing games from my actual library. Games like Sengoku Basara, and Dead Rising 2.

There are some PC game reviews coming up to. They are easier to play and don't take nearly the time a fully produced $60 game would. And yet, despite being just a few megabytes in size and are armed only with charm, are monumentally better games than Duke Nukem. Deathspank, Who's That Flying, Atome Zombie Smasher, and Anomaly Warzone: Earth are all going to be reviewed soon. Not exactly current, but I gotta make due with what I happen to have at the moment.

I'll get to these reviews, if I manage to tear myself away from Leauge of Legends. Big ups again to everyone for lending me their games.

My rating system explained & new Trophy Card!

2011-07-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

For those of you curious about my rating system for video games, I shall explain. For each category one point is either awarded or withheld. Those being:

Sightplay, the aesthetics of a game (not graphics) and the design of things like characters and environments.

Soundplay, the quality and believability of the music, sound effects, and voice acting.

Gameplay, the way the game controls, the user interface, and in general how fun the game is to play.

Replay, the replay value the game has to make you want to play more than once after completion.

And the last point is basically up to me wether or not I liked the game enough to give it that extra point (or not). Consider it a Luck rating that each game has.

For instance, I'm drawn to bright and quirky colorful cel-shaded graphics, not a gritty ultra-realism of a modern setting. I would give that bonus point to a game like Katamry Damacy or Wind Waker for their charm and likeability. Games like Infamous or Call of Duty would be denied the bonus point, because I just don't find these styles of game to as poignant in a few years. Ok this example sounds like I'm talking about the Sightplay score, but hopefully you catch my meaning.

Some might say this saps my journalistic credibility because I'm implementing bias into my reviews, but this is a bias filled world, and I can only inform you of the games that I want to play. What better service can I provide? If you're familiar with every over-hyped, over-priced, over-played, and over-rated video game titles that get scores way too high, while wonderful third party or indie game developers that get no attention at all, and are sick of it, you've come to the right place. My reviews will be honest, concise, spoiler free, and 100% American! Yeah I'm not sure what that last one has to do with anything either, so with that I want to thank anyone whose read my reviews, and anyone willing to come back for more.

Checkout my new trophy card, from lusogamer.

They're nice enough to have a self-updating trophy card, but its a shame the global/national ranking is absent. my current global ranking has slipped and am now roughly 3,000 globally. This means I'm not as good at time wasting as I used to be.

Vanquish Review

2011-07-04T03:46:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review: Vanquish

This is a hi-octane science fiction third person shooter game that is so fast paced and over the top and fun that it’s a real shame this game didn’t garner the attention it deserved. You play Sam Gideon, a gravelly voiced protagonist who wears a futuristic suit of armor, like so many lead characters in this day and age, but this game actually makes you feel like you have all the technological backing such a thing should bestow. Let’s get right into the review.

SIGHTPLAY – This game looks pretty good. It’s not quite as colorful as it could be, but that’s not to say that it looks bland. There are just a lot of blues, reds, metallic’s, and a sampling of the rest now and again. The protagonist looks really cool, and the suit of armor actually looks like you could maneuver around in it. Instead of just being another regenerating health bar feature that most other video game protagonists have, this suit features an incredible amount of mobility. This is a very welcome change of pace in terms of character design. Seeing a character wear armor that seems impossible to even lift, let alone save the world while wearing is tedious. If you play this game, you’ll witness the sidekick don the kind of armor I’m talking about. He equips these silly looking boots that are wider than him (and he’s a big guy). He uses them to fly around, which makes him look even more ridiculous, despite the enormous mini-gun he hauls around.

The enemy design leaves something to be desired. There are less than five enemy types. If you count these enemies when they use a different kinds of weapon or armor or color palette, than the enemy count is just under twenty. Sparse, to say the least, and they’re recycled far too often. The same could be said of the good guys as well. Aside from the hero and the sidekick, the rest of the supporting cast (villains included) is entirely forgettable.

These gripes tend to be forgotten when you are actually in the midst of the game and everything is happening around you all at once. Although doesn’t have the graphical superiority of most AAA titles, but that doesn’t prevent this game from looking spectacular. Maybe I just have a weakness for a single missile pod, shooting hundreds of rockets, complete with smoke trails.

SOUNDPLAY – The sound design in this game fare decently as well, which seems to be a recurring theme for my review so far. Hopefully it doesn’t come off that way. Most music in this game falls under the purview of electronica, and given the futuristic setting, it is fitting. If, for example, this game had a symphonic arrangement, or heavy metal playing during the course of a level, it would seem out of place. What does seem out of place is the voice actors, because they deliver some lines of dialogue that should be considered staples of the action genre. And yet lines like “let’s get the fuck out of here” as you make a dramatic exit just sound goofy. As if they spent more time practicing how to do a deep gravelly voice, than expressing the relief of survival. The protagonist and his sidekick suffer from some serious “Bale Batman” voice-work, and instead of thinking of these characters as hard-boiled they just come off as overcooked (and silly). The weapons sound really cool and the assault rifle gunfire reminds me of an old 8bit bullet sound, just being fired at hundreds of rounds a minute.

GAMEPLAY – There is a story about a U.S. president, and Russians, and San Francisco getting destroyed, umm, and science, and, the future? Ok the story sucks and is entirely forgettable. But they give you a really kickass suit of hi-tech armor and thousands of robot bad guys, put a gun in your hands and say “go save the world!” and that’s exactly what you do. I’m not about to hold a lack of compelling story against this game for one second, because this isn’t that kind of game. This is a fast paced third person shooter with very tight controls.

The frantic pace of all the action is a sight to behold, and when you’re zipping about the battlefield tearing enemies apart one by one, it feels awesome. When all the gears of chaos are in motion this truly feels like a video game. Amidst all the explosions, bullets, lasers, and bits of robots, you still feel like you are in complete control of the game. You can dash through the legs of larger enemies, dodge enemy fire, take cover behind walls, leap over said walls, melee attack, and are able to engage AR mode (i.e. slow motion) at any time. This gives you the opportunity to speed around the battlefield, till you are able to size up a situation, get in position, and methodically go from enemy to enemy wiping them out in rapid succession. Or, you know, just tear shit up.

Unfortunately there is a lack of weapon variety in this game. Apart from the standard shooting gallery of weapons like sniper rifle, shotgun, machine gun, rocket launcher, and grenades, there isn’t really anything else to get excited about. There is a homing multi-rocket weapon which looks cool, but does pitiful damage. There is a disc launcher which shoots buzz saws at enemies, but completely lacks the awesomeness that this weapon had in Dead Space. There is another weapon that shoots a large ball of energy that can go through objects and damages anything it touches. Save for this weapon being cool to use, the rest of the arsenal is an absolute snooze-fest. This game could have really benefited from taking the Ratchet and Clank approach to weapon design. Only two types of grenades in the future? Shameful.

Vanquish is one of this really fast action games like Ninja Gaiden or Bayonetta, not in the sense that you have to perform combos. More so in the sense that at any given moment you’ll be pressing at least two or three buttons if you want to dominate your enemies. This means that if you hone down you’re gamer reflexes to their maximum, and enter that nerd Zen mode, you can play the game on its hardest difficulty and beat each level unscathed.

Now that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy, and this is one of the more challenging games I’ve played this year, but just because you can’t pull off “God Hard” mode without losing a single life, doesn’t mean it’s impossible. This game has a challenge, and I LOVE it for that. It doesn’t hold your hand too much. After beating the game you unlock Challenge Mode, and this is perhaps the most fun I’ve had with the game, and I’ve only beaten 1 of 6 stages. These stages throw several waves of enemies at you in an arena with set weapons located all around. Think Mercenaries mode from Resident Evil, however the objective isn’t to receive a high score, simply to survive. At times these challenges feel downright impossible. But once you spend the time to learn how to best tackle each wave, and actually complete one of them, the sense of accomplish is nearly overwhelming. This game is a lot of fun.

REPLAY – All of that said, as an experienced action gamer, on my first play through I was able to beat this game on Hard mode in roughly five hours. Five hours! This is unacceptable for a game this fun to play. Sure the challenge mode requires a ton of practice if you want to beat them, but once you have there is no reason to do it again. The same could be said of the main story. You unlock “God Hard” mode, which is indicative of most SEGA titles, and don’t get me wrong I’m glad they do it, but there is no incentive to actually do so. There aren’t any unlockable features. Not even concept art (which pretty much no one cares for). No movie gallery. No alternate costumes. Nothing.

It is in this regards that I weep for what this game could have been. A single player story that doesn’t last as long as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I’m talking about the original cinematic cuts of the movie. If you want to talk the complete extended directors edition of those movies, they easily double the length of this game. Only kidding. But just barely.

SCORE – 4 out of 5. This game was a real treat for me, as these kinds of over-the-top action games are right up my alley, and was a real blast to play. Unfortunately it’s really short, and since its fun and you won’t put it down, the ride is over too soon. Without the incentive to keep playing, this game is the perfect rental title, which is disappointing to admit, but it’s the truth.

Dragon Age II Review

2011-06-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

Video Game Review: Dragon Age II

This sequel to Dragon Age: Origins is a pretty typical RPG that’s been streamlined to make it more of an accessible entry in the “series”. I use quotes because this doesn’t feel like a sequel, as much as it does an expansion pack. A watered down expansion pack. So much so that it feels drowned and bloated, washing ashore to be discovered by some horrified early morning joggers.

SIGHTPLAY – This game is ugly. I love the fantasy genre, and even with that going for it this game falls flat to deliver any of the charm that Dragon Age: Origins worked so hard to deliver. Everyone’s hair seems to be made of petrified wood and their faces are equally made of stone. During conversations there are more animations to make dialogue seem a bit less lifeless, but after you’ve seen the pensive back and forth, you’ve pretty much seen it all.

The game is rife with visual inconsistency, for example during combat enemies burst into geysers of blood and it just doesn’t make sense most of the time. How does getting hit by an ice bolt vaporize you? There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to create a gritty fantasy world, as slaying dragons shouldn’t be a bloodless business, but covering the characters from head to toe in blood is not a convincing way of making a game more realistic. Having serious choices that impact the lives of your party members would be a better way to do this.

Since you can’t change the equipment of your party members, the armor you get to see is incredibly limited. And even then, when you finally discover a piece of armor that’s worth equipping, you’ll be disappointed to find that 75% of the time it looks exactly the same! Too often I found myself using worse equipment just to have something different to look at.

SOUNDPLAY – One of the only redeeming qualities of this game is the competent voice acting. It holds up just as good as it did in Origins, and it really adds to the atmosphere. The banter between certain characters is usually clever and enjoyable. Spells sound appropriately mystical, and swords banging against shield sound decent enough as well. There are a few skill/techniques that sound like they’re meant for a different class, but it’s a rare occurrence, and is probably just the sound of too many things happening at once.

GAMEPLAY – This is where the game really fails to deliver. In an effort to streamline the game mechanics from the first game, Dragon Age II removes so many choices from the player that the gameplay becomes boring far too quickly. Attacking requires you to continuously press the “attack” button like it’s going out of style (which it very much is in this game).

If you play as a spell caster or rouge, you’ll find that only being able to have six spells hotkeyed isn’t enough, when considering the bevy of techniques at your disposal. Having your selected skills used up forces you to stop the game, open your skill wheel, and choose one from there, because the six you chose are cooling down still.If you play as a warrior, you'll find yourself waiting for your four or five skills to recharge, as you don't get many more of them.

Another incredibly tedious method this game employs to artificially draw out combat, is to spawn more enemies from all sides. And they quite literally drop in from the sky/ceiling (yes, even in the middle of a city courtyard). I’m not complaining because suddenly my mages and archers are in danger, more so it’s are you telling me this fight isn’t over yet? It would stand to reason that if those last three minions saw me wipe out twenty of their brethren including their strongest champion, wouldn’t they just run away? The enemy variety is incredibly sparse, and the feared Darkspawn are practically forgotten about in this game. Given the circumstances behind the first game, that’s mildly understandable, but surely there are dens of evil still lying about that require “cleansing” (or “saving”). Get used to bandits and skeletons folks.

The locations are a real slap in the face to anyone who shelled out their hard earned money for this game. The same handful of settings is reused far too often, and the lazy technique of doors being blocked off, just so they can unlock it during the next act for you to explore does not constitute a new place. Invisible walls is one thing, but when my party of heroes, that can slay a fucking dragon mind you, are unable to enter a cave because its blocked off by an abandoned wagon. This is the epitome of lazy design.

The story is pretty damn bad too. There are three acts, each shorter than the last, and none of them have an interconnected story arc. Each act’s major dramatic question has a conclusion by the end of it, meaning little in terms of character challenge to overcome. The quests are an array of forgettable fetch missions, and having “Mages vs Templars” as the main source for conflict is not a compelling villain. Is it social commentary? Yes. Is it on-the-nose and trite? Yes. There’s more I could go on about, like the lack of a crafting element, the rivalry/friendship system which is ill-executed, and the ending which is pathetic, but by now I’m sure you’re tired of hearing me make the same point over again.

REPLAY – Ironically, this game actually has less replay value if you import a save file from Dragon Age: Origins. If you import a save and beat the game, you unlock an achievement that would have been obtained had you beat the game twice. This means that if you are a trophy/achievement hunter (like me), and have a previous save from the first game, then it’s possible to earn everyone in a single play through, roughly 40 hours.

SCORE – 1 out of 5. This game is an obvious cash-in on the success of the first game. The best moments I had with Dragon Age II, was when it made me remember how much fun Dragon Age: Origins was.

L.A. Noire Review

2011-06-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

VIDEO GAME REVIEW: L.A. NOIRE

I’m going to be adopting a new, four tier rating system, comprised of visuals, sound, gameplay, replayability, and lastly the score. A game’s ability to be played more than once is very important to me in deciding whether a game should be rented, owned, or played at all. And no, multiplayer doesn't count as replayability, that would still fall under gameplay. Without further ado, let’s get right into the review.

SIGHTPLAY – This game is absolutely gorgeous. 1940s Los Angeles is recreated rather faithfully (the tar pits seem to have been relocated). This was an era before freeways, so the constant trekking form one side of town to the other is a visual treat. The cars are all authentic and beautiful. It’s a shame there isn’t as much opportunity to see all the hilarious billboards, advertisements, and movie posters as we could in GTA IV, because they are equally clever and well crafted.

The face mapping technology they used is remarkable and looks better than Heavy Rain in my opinion. The emotions are so clear and lifelike that it truly does look more like a movie than a video game. Most of the cast of Mad Men, one of my favourite shows, is in this game. Other actors you may recognize from Heroes and Fringe are in this game, and deliver more believable performances than the TV shows they are known for! When trying to figure out if a career criminal is lying is pretty exciting. However I couldn’t help but notice that sometimes the people were acting as if they were lying, kind of shooting some of themselves in the foot. Occasionally, the masterful facial graphics can be held back at times by the puppet-esque bodies they're attached too. Some characters, while delivering intense lines, will shift in their seat or tilt their heads in ways that just don’t make sense. Nit picking? Sure. Illusion breaking? Also sure. Deal breaking? Not entirely.

SOUNDPLAY – Everything sounds exactly as it should in this game. The gunfire. The footsteps. The car engines. The dialogue. It all sounds so very authentic and real that you just don’t question any of it. Footsteps are a big deal to me, in the auditory department, and it’s one of the reasons I hated Final Fantasy 13 so much. No matter the surface that the characters were running on, it always sounded like boots clomping on hollow metal pipes. Such is not the case for L.A. Noire.

One thing that truly broke my heart about this game was the fact that you have no control over the radio. The music is all lifted from the era, even down to the commercials, news spots, and even comedy bits. Some songs you may even recognize from the Fallout series as well. Sadly, you’re relegated to one station, that you can’t turn off. This held the game back from being as immersive as it should have been.

If I want detective Cole to put his feet up in his office/desk and just listen to some radio stations, why shouldn’t I be able to? It would have provided an opportunity to really listen to some of the great music and radio programming that was so painstakingly worked on.

All of the custom music for this game, like most Rockstar games, is phenomenal. Nothing gets me more pumped than seeing detective Phelps chase down a fleeing criminal while action oriented Jazz starts kicking in. Action oriented Jazz. Never thought I’d say that.

GAMEPLAY – Most of this game is played while either at a crime scene, or during an interrogation. The crime scene segments feel like streamlined versions of old school adventure games. Or as I like to call them, pointy clicky’s. Inspecting objects for clues is mildly reminiscent of Shenmue, the way items are looked at. There are a handful of junk items that have no bearing on anything sprinkled around each location, which are the equivalent of, fuck all. I was never any good at old school PC adventure games, like Curse of Monkey Island, because I lacked of the requisite patience that comes with those games. This approach minimalizes frustrations in lieu of constantly nudging you down the right track. That track being rather linear in retrospect, but I’m not holding that against a game with such a strong emphasis on narration.

The interrogations are probably the most fun to be had from this game and offer a unique experience. The only issue I have is that when your two of your three choices, namely TRUTH and DOUBT, can be rather ambiguous. Sometimes when I choose one of these options, Detective Phelps follows a line of inquiry that was not clarified until it was too late. Moments like this were few and far between, but couldn’t help but notice them. Trying to figure out if someone had the motivation and gumption to actually commit a serious crime was riveting. Constantly flipping through my trusty notebook, reviewing evidence and clues made me feel like a detective. You can use intuition points which are earned by leveling up, to help you much like a life line. However, they can still leave you looking at a suspect that you just can’t figure out.

That said, this is not a game for those who wish to run over civilians and shoot people mercilessly like they did in GTA 4 or Red Dead Redemption, and those who turn to L.A. Noire will be disappointed. This is not a sandbox game, because you are very clearly tasked with getting from point A to point B, solving cases in linear progression, until the game is over. Sure there are crimes you can respond to when dispatch asks for help, but these boil down to brief moments of action, that last less than five minutes. Usually you spend more time actually driving to get to the side mission, than you actually do in completing them.

The gunplay is solid, sure, but never really factors in for this game. You can double tap the aim button and the targeting reticule will instantly snap to any bad guy in the vicinity, which pretty much does the work for you. The melee combat isn’t anything to write home about, and you probably engage in it less than ten times. Most of the cars feel like they drive the same, save for the occasional special car that you unlock by leveling up. The most rewarding part of leveling up is unlocking new suits to wear, which kind of speaks to how little leveling up bears on the game in actuality.

There are a few other missed opportunities where the game takes the control away from the player and forces you to watch as your character makes some rather important decisions that affect his life. However since you don’t get to see the before of these events, the after bears less relevance. Without giving too much away, there is a domestic dispute between Detective Phelps and his wife, this is her only appearance in the game (their kids are never shown), and since the player gets no controlled interaction with her, the episode is devoid of evoking sympathy for Cole. I can’t feel bad for his marriage if it never plays a role outside of this one event. Like the rest of the game, if we were allowed to take our time and be able to more fully explore the world a bit better, we could be even more attached to his personal life, not just his professional one.

REPLAY – This is where the game doesn’t really follow through. There aren’t multiple endings, and all cases have a definite and pre-determined method of obtaining a five star rating. So unless you’re a trophy/achievement hunter, there isn’t much reason to play this game again. In one comically misunderstood sequence of events, one case ended with me sending the wrong person to jail. The Police Chief berated me at great length how if I screwed up that badly again he’d fire me. Fade to black. Fade in to me having breakfast with the Police Chief at a diner, and he’s congratulating me on doing such a stellar job. What the fuck happened? Wasn't I just on the cusp of being canned two seconds ago?

There is one case in particular, where after sending numerous people to jail, you discover that the real mastermind of the crimes is someone you’ve never heard of before and just shows up to make life miserable. There is nothing you can do to find this person beforehand, despite all the calling cards they leave at the scene of the crime. Things like this remind you of how little control you have over the major events in the game, and really break the illusion that the game works so hard to create. The ending is very similar to this, and frustrated me so much that I didn’t want to play the game again. I can’t say why, and I won’t. Spoiler free here folks. Find out for yourself.

Even if you do everything properly, you can still ruin your score by driving recklessly and causing property damage while getting from place to place. And since you have to do a lot of driving, this can get really annoying if you’re a completionist, because driving safely is boring as all hell! The only way to make the driving sequences any fun is to play like Crazy Taxi and see how many shortcuts through people’s backyards as you can. Let's go make some cuh-razy money! Civilians can never be ran over, only pushed to the side. The same can be said of your firearm, which is only removed from its holster if someone opens fire on you, which we’ve already established is a rare occurrence.

SCORE – 4 out of 5. The reason I docked this game down from five is because of the ending. That’s why. The storytelling hiccups? Forgiven. The easy and sparse gunplay? Forgiven. The cars that drive like tanks? Forgiven. The ending? Inexcusable. It feels rushed and unfocused. It’s not bad. It just wasn’t up to the high standard the rest of the game had prepared me for. For the ending, I docked one point.

This game has been a revelation of sorts, in that it totally sucked me into the strongly driven narrative and truly made me feel like a 1947 detective for the LAPD. Unfortunately there were moments that truly made me like a person, holding a controller, looking at a screen, wondering just how little input this game wanted from me. I didn’t hate this game, and rank it up there in the most engrossing titles I’ve ever played, right along with titles such as Shenmue or Fallout 3. But there was some brief moments in the game’s story that left me scratching my head. This has got to be the most immersive game released this year, and I highly recommend everyone play it.

~magic baby~

2011-06-05T18:26:00.001-07:00

One of those days.

2011-05-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Seriously, try not to laugh at 3:05.

Brawl Busters

2011-05-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

It looks like Team Fortress 2, mixed with Defense of the Ancient, with a hint of Power Stone, which should make for an incredibly brilliant multiplayer slugfest. Here's hoping.

Been awhile...

2011-05-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

It sure has been awhile since I've posted on here. I was excited about being head writer for Califest at UCR this year but tragically one of our talented dancers, Sharon Higgins, died in a car accident Monday morning, so to revel in anything other than her memory would be churlish. It's difficult not to be resentful when you're already unfriendly counselor neglects to open her email to check for time sensitive materials that are directly related to their ability to affect your future, and yet now it just feels trivial to whinge. So I'll stop now.

The JRPG debate

2011-04-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

This is the latest entry in 16 Bit Gems, which I watch on RetrowareTV, features a brief segment about three minutes long wherein the host Roo, discusses the term JRPG (Japanese Role Playing Game). Gotta say that on a personal level I find playing 16-bit JRPGs now, a task devoid of any entertainment, probably due to attention span division over the years. Even modern JRPGs seem like failed attempts at fitting classic molds that are beyond obsolete. After the 80-hour hallway that was FF13, I've considered renaming the genre JKRPG, as in "Just Kidding, this isn't a Role Playing Game", but mainly because you don't get to play a role, as much as you do watch people react to dramatic pauses in regards to a story you've no connection with. But yeah, semantics! Glad to see some Baldur's Gate footage! Dungeons and Dragons REPRESENT!

MOTHER eight melodies choir

2011-04-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

This was used in the original commercial for MOTHER in Japan, and there is something so beautifully connective about this song, it stirs my heart to bursting, as if all people everywhere have helped to defeat some deadly creature from destroying the Earth. This song makes me feels like peace isn't such a foolish notion sometimes, and something to actually be obtained.

~Take a melody Simple as can be Give it some words and sweet harmony Raise your voices All day long now love grows strong now Sing a melody of love oh love~

kuchhikun

2011-04-12T14:45:00.001-07:00

kuchhikun, a photo by spookydonkey42 on Flickr.

thumbulars

Roll for initative

2011-04-09T03:10:00.001-07:00

d20leonard, a photo by spookydonkey42 on Flickr.

An old photoshop gag.

Nerdcabulary

2011-04-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

What follows will be a brief collection of words, and their respective definitions, within the parlance of a specific field of nerd-culture characterized by me, then read by you, the viewer/reader/earthling. Hopefully they can provide both perspective as well as an extended vocabulary.

Scrimpton [scrimp-tuhn] -noun
1. The sound made when treasure or items are obtained.

This can also be shortened when picking up mulitple items, before ending with the full word on the last item. "Scrimp, scrimp, scrimpton!"

Wappit [whap-iht] -noun
1. To strike with great force.
2. A melee attack against a common foe, i.e. a zombie or goblin.

This can also be shortened when used in rapid succession. "Wap. Wap. Wap."

Ding [dhing] -verb
1. A quantifiable increase in level or power.

"I will ding after this encounter."

Brimble [bhrim-bhul] -verb
1. When a significant other rejects an idea.

"I suggested we goto the park, but she brimbled me."

Shaklakey [sha-klahk-ee] -noun
1. Successful execution of a complicated maneuver.
2. Completion of a complicated task, without error.

"Watch me land this trick. Shaklakey!"

Dexter plays a little...

2011-04-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

A tribute, to some of my favourite people/games/zombies/shows/etc.

#1 Seven Samurai (1954)

2011-03-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

#1 Seven Samurai (1954)
Directed by the legendary master of cinema, Akira Kurosawa, Seven Samurai is hands down, my favourite movie of all time. Ever. Forever. The end. Shut up. This movie is the closest human beings will ever achieve in terms of a time machine.
Read more »

#2 Rushmore (1998)

2011-03-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

#2 Rushmore (1998)

In my opinion, this is the greatest love story ever told. Two best friends. One amazing woman. The rest is history. Rushmore is my favourite Wes Anderson movie, and it's a tough call to choose just one. Life Aquatic may be my favourite Bill Murray performance, but Rushmore just gets my in a much deeper place. Life Aquatic is about exploring the deep sea, and this movie gets me in a deeper place. See what I did there?

Read more »

#3 Reservoir Dogs (1993)

2011-03-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

#3 Reservoir Dogs (1993)

This can't be a surprise. Tarantino's best work in my opinion. Harvey Keitel is an absolute force of nature in this movie, and everyone else in it is just superb. The soundtrack is incredible. Scorsese invented the slow motion walk, and Tarantino perfected it. This is the most riveting ticking clocks ever filmed. My blood runs cold every time I have to see it seeping out of Tim Roth, whose bathroom speech was one of the best monologues I've ever witnessed. This movie is as brutal as it is sincere, and rests comfortably at number 3 on my list of Top 30 Favourite Movies of all time.
Read more »

#4 The Big Lebowski (1998)

2011-03-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

#4 The Big Lebowski (1998)

A movie about nothing. This Coen Brothers masterpiece has got to be one of the most influential films in my entire life. Even the most laid back, too cool to care, to high to cry kinda dude can have his life turned upside down by holding on to petty grudges and stolen rug too tightly. The music is great. Especially the Credence, but don't hold out for it. Jeff Bridges and John Goodman. Fucking Jeff Bridges and John Goodman. Not much else to say about this film really. I mean there's plenty to say, but I'm into the whole brevity thing, so there's that.
Read more »

#5 Princess Mononoke (1997)

2011-03-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

#5 Princess Mononoke (1997)

This is the ultimate depiction of both Hayao Miyazaki's masterful grasp of film making, as well as the pinnacle of man-vs-nature storytelling. With Billy Crudup and Billy Bob Thornton (among many others) perform wonderfully as this has got to be one of the best English dubbed movies ever. The soundtrack is positively phenomenal and the completely hand drawn animation blows my mind more each time I see this film. The character designs are from another world, and are glorious to behold. I can't do this movie justice with words, so I'm going to stop trying.
Read more »

#6 Three Amigos (1986)

2011-03-04T13:50:00.001-08:00

#6 Three Amigos (1986)
This movie has got to be the greatest comedic trio performance of all time. Chevy Chase, Martin Short, and Steve Martin play three silent film actors go to Mexico thinking they are going to put on a lucrative live performance, only to come to a tearful realization that they're actually in Mexico, and that one of them has "been shot already!"
Read more »

#7 Clerks (1994)

2011-02-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

#7 Clerks (1994)

The ultimate low budget workplace comedy, written and directed by Kevin Smith, is one of those movies that flew way over my head when I saw it as a youth, but Jay and Silent Bobs antics, mixed with Star Wars banter, were both enough to keep me laughing back then. So many years later, this is still one of the smartest comedies I've ever seen. Dante and Randal have some of the best conversations anyone could ever hope to have.
Read more »

#8 The Usual Suspects (1995)

2011-02-10T01:20:00.000-08:00

#8 The Usual Suspects (1995)
Directed by Brian Singer, "The Ususal Suspects" is one of the most masterfully layered movies of all time. The ultimate mystery/crime drama ever made. No matter how many times you watch it, you get another clue of who Kayser Soze really is. Gabriel Byrne, who was also in Excalibur, but in this he plays the calculating master thief Dean Keaton, who is trying to leave that life behind him, but some jobs are just too rewarding to not take.
Read more »

#9 The Princess Bride (1987)

2011-02-09T00:21:00.000-08:00

#9 The Princess Bride (1987)
There isn't much to say about this movie that you shouldn't already know. It's one of those perfectly made films, where each thing plays off one another in absolute harmony. It just gets better each time you watch it. I mean, come on, Andre the Giant can charm the paint off the walls, before smashing them down.
Read more »

#10 Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Willow (1988)

2011-02-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

#10 Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Willow (1988)

Sorry for the wait. The tenth entry in my Top 30 Favourite Movies of All Time, is a tie! I normally have a one movie per director policy, but for George Lucas I will make an exception. It almost feels like I'm giving the tenth spot to Industrial Light and Magic, but I digress. Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back is the ultimate sequel, to the ultimate movie. Why ultimate? Because Star Wars does it all. Action, comedy, romance, sci-fi, drama, political intrigue, and it does it all masterfully to boot! I shouldn't have to explain why Star Wars is great, but I should at least try and explain why I chose the second.
Read more »

first post of 2011

2011-01-25T01:11:00.001-08:00

My top ten favourite movies of all time will be posted eventually. I'm taking a class on suspense is why. In the mean time, here is the first episode of the biLL & riCk shoW. Please to enjoy.

Heppy New Year

2010-12-29T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hey there folks. Well I know I was supposed to have the entirety of my Top 30 Favourite Films finished by now, but it would seem like the final ten movies are going to have to wait until the new year. I'm not one for suspense so please believe that this wasn't intentional. Or don't believe it. Either way, those are your two options. Hopefully everyone has a fun and relatively safe new years celebration. My heart goes out to those who are going to be working, but not really. So when the new year finally rolls around, I will be making a big fuss over my top 10 favourite movies of all time, and no, Titanic isn't on there. Neither is Home Alone. As for what I'll be doing on new years, well, here's a clue.

#11 Snatch (2000)

2010-12-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

#11 Snatch (2000)

Written and directed by Guy Ritchie, Snatch is one of the funnest movies to watch. Brad Pitt as the indecipherable gypsy with one hell of a punch Mickey, Jason Statham as Turkish the coolest character with the worlds dumbest friend, and last but not least real life hardass Vinnie Jones playing the role of Bullet Tooth Tony. With a whole cast of unforgettable characters and even more memorable lines, this film is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Alan Ford's portrayal of the ruthless gangster Brick Top is as vicious as it is hilarious. The only thing better than the dialogue is the music. The music sequence features a song called Disco Science by Mirwais and is one the best things ever put to film. This movie is drunk on cool, wrapping its knuckles with cool, and saying something cool, before knocking the cool right off your face.

#12 Excalibur (1981)

2010-12-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

#12 Excalibur (1981)Based on Le Morte d'Arthur, this medieval epic is breathtaking in both scale and humanity. Oh and by the way, Helen Mirren is the sexiest thing alive as the scheming sorceress Morgana. Nigel Terry plays the legendary boy turned king, and wielder of Excalibur, Arthur Pendragon. Getting to see his life as a young squire till his tragic end as withered king is absolutely riveting. I have to say though that the part of this movie that I really hold deep in my heart is the performance by Nicol Williamson as Merlin. One of his lines in the movie, when explaining to a young and naive Arthur the difficulties of kingship, "It's easy to love folly in a child." And I'll be damned if he wasn't on to something with that whole wizardly wisdom thing. The tale of Excalibur has never looked so good. The boy becoming a king. The courtship of Guinevere. The treachery of Morgana. Lancelot's Bridge Toll. There are so many moments that could be movies onto themselves, but are all woven together beautifully. Seeing Percival seemingly throw his life away on a pointless quest of finding the Holy Grail is heart wrenching, especially when he comes upon the fallen Lancelot. The battle scenes are awesome too, seeing all those fully armored soldiers hulking around the battlefield mashing on each other with flails and broadswords is marvelous. Pulling the sword from the stone, is Excalibur at number twelve.

#13 Young Frankenstein (1974)

2010-12-25T09:22:00.001-08:00

#13 Young Frankenstein (1974)
Mel Brooks is a comedy god, and Gene Wilder is his messiah. Need proof? Look no further than the legendary classic Young Frankenstein. Peter Boyle's portrayal of the monster was hilarious, and Marty Feldman as Igor is so much more than a funny face. The most pure form of parody, this movie riffs on science fiction and horror genre's masterfully. They just don't make 'em like they used to, and holy hot damn were they good! Although Brooks is not in this movie, his presence is far from absent, and regardless of the genre being parodied there is never a shortage of stale Jewish jokes that never seem out of place. The monster is both afraid of fire, but sits at a fireplace for minutes, almost comforted by it. Igor's character breaks the fourth wall and it seems right at home in this crazy movie. It was a tough call between this movie or Blazing Saddles, and I have to say that the aesthetic of this movie sealed the deal. The black and white footage just charms the paint right off the walls in my opinion. Apart of me wanted to choose Spaceballs, because Rick Moranis is awesome, but as comedy film the gags aren't as rich or well executed (John Candy really held that movie together). Without further ado, here is some footage of the greatest duet in film history.

#14 Sin City (2005)

2010-12-24T08:46:00.001-08:00

#14 Sin City (2005)

Goldie. She says her name is Goldie. Mickey Rourke as Marv. Holy shit. From the second the film starts this movie sets itself apart with a masterful orchestra of violence and neo noir presentation, making Frank Miller's Sin City come to life. Dark, drunk, devilish, doubtless life, that takes no prisoners, pulls no punches, and kills anyone that gets in its way. Getting to see Clive Owen as Dwight McCarthy, my favorite character form the book, and those red chucks are the best thing I ever saw. He's Shellie's new boyfriend and he's out of his mind. The dames in this flick are all drop dead gorgeous, and with the girls of old town, drop dead is just what you'll do. The actor who played Cardinal Roark is named Rutger Hauer, and not only was he the leader of the renegade replicants in Blade Runner, but he was also a cursed knight in a great movie called Ladyhawke which also stars a young Matthew Broderick as the most nimble medieval thief ever portrayed on film. But I digress. Sin City has it all, and despite the bleak setup, is an unprecedented hell of a time. It wouldn't be too difficult to go on and on about this movie, but I just can't do it justice, since justice is dead, and all that's left is the revenge stirring in my gut late at night. Again with the digressing. Sin City speaks for itself, at great length, with a lit cigarette, while flying down the highway, in a fast car with a big trunk.

#15 Back To The Future (1985)

2010-12-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

#15 Back To The Future (1985)

Directed by Robert Zemeckis, this has got to be one of the best scripts ever filmed. The Twin Pine Mall becomes the Lone Pine Mall after one of the signature trees gets torn down during a chase sequence. It only affects about two seconds of onscreen time, but its that kind of meticulous attention to detail that makes this one of the greatest movies ever made. Michael J Fox plays Marty McFly, the coolest kid 1985 has ever produced. Opposite him is Doc Brown, played by the hilarious Christopher Lloyd, and if you've seen him in Taxi then you know how great he is at being scatterbrained yet brilliant. Crispin Glover plays George McFly, Marty's dad who is a socially inept nerd who reads science fiction and tells bad jokes. Thomas Wilson plays one of the best onscreen villains ever created, Biff Tannen. No matter the era, Biff's character is consistently the winner of the biggest douchebag of all time award. This movie has it all, romance, adventure, time travel, action, music, and most of all humor. There isn't a single line that goes to waste, and anything someone says goes towards crafting another aspect of their personality, be it past or present (or future). One of my favourite moments is the exchange between Marty and Doc Brown from the past where they are discussing the impacts of time travel, when Marty says "heavy." Leading Doc Brown to wonder why he says it so often, asking if there has been some change to the gravity in the future. Too funny. Racing past us at eighty eight miles per hour, Back To The Future clocks in at number fifteen.

#16 Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

2010-12-21T09:52:00.001-08:00

#16 Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979) I love British humor, and Monty Python were as groundbreaking as they were irreverent. Sure Holy Grail was a hilarious movie (with perhaps the greatest ending of all time, ever) but Life of Brian is the greatest thing the Python's have ever done, save for their live performance at the Hollywood Bowl, but that wasn't a movie. Life of Brian is. And a damn funny one too. This movie follows a narrative more closely which makes it a superior cinematic experience. This story isn't about Jesus, it's about Brian, who was born at the exact same time. Next door in fact. His life is a mirror of Jesus's, but to masterfully comedic affect. Seeing Brian have his Latin grammar corrected by a Roman guard, played by John Cleese, who caught him writing graffiti on a wall is one of the funniest thing I've ever seen. The "message" that Brian spouts off to citizens off the top of his head when put on the spot, becomes the most spiritual movement in ancient history in a matter of seconds! This movie reminds you that even being known as the "son of god" is a matter of being at the right place, at the right time. If you know me, then you know how I have a love for all things blasphemous, and this movie ranks highly by not being crude or accusatory, but by being honest and analytical. Seeing Michael Palin dance around as an ex-leper begging for change is gut-bustingly funny. Graham Chapman as Brian is a great lead character who just wants to be left in peace, but keeps bumbling into worse situations without any idea of how to get out gracefully. Terry Jones plays his high-pitched over protective mother whose easy to love to hate. This movie was divinely chosen to be number sixteen. Oh, and don't forget, always look on the bright side of life.

#17 Beetle Juice (1988)

2010-12-20T21:27:00.000-08:00

#17 Beetle Juice (1988)

Geena Davis and Alec Bladwin play an all American newlywed couple in New England, who wind up becoming ghosts in their own dream house after a car accident. several years later an eccentric new york family moves in looking to renovate the entire house, and the ghosts want to prevent that from happening. After several failed attempts at haunting, the charming ghost couple connect with the strange and unusual Gothic daughter Lydia Deetz, played by a young Winona Ryder, who is as pretty as she is peculiar. Their forays into the world of the dead lead them to meet the poltergeist extraordinaire called, say it with me, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice! Michael Keaton plays the wickedly hilarious and genuinely disgusting horror for hire, in a striped suit with matted hair, he steals the show as soon as his character gets involved. Directed by Tim Burton this movie has so many memorable lines its crazy. What follows is a ghastly fun time through the world of the dead, complete with exorcism, giant monsters, weddings, and possessed house guests, this is a dark comedy you can't miss.

#18 Blade Runner (1982)

2010-12-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

#18 Blade Runner (1982)
The dystopian noir future of Los Angeles in 2019, just about eight years away, and it won't be anywhere near as fascinating as the science fiction masterpiece, Blade Runner, directed by Ridley Scott. Harrison Ford plays a lifeless detective named Richard Deckard, whose sole purpose is to find four renegade replicants, cyborgs who have become self aware and incredibly dangerous. His job is the only thing he has left, and its not one he has any affection for. As he pursues the replicants in question, he unlocks numerous questions about what it is that makes people real or synthetic, and if being a cyborg makes any kind of difference in terms of the human condition.Each of the four replicants are remarkable characters, and the scene where Deckard finally catches up to the leader of the renegade cyborgs is breathtaking. I can't say more. This movie is incredible in that it uses very little space to portray an immense world, and makes the audience ponder an array of "big picture" questions, not only about the characters involved, but about themselves as well. This movie boldly strays from the traditional laser spaceship battles and dependence on digestible narratives that science fiction has become over the years, and instead weaves a classic detective plot slowly over time. The directors cut version of the movie is what I feel to be a "truer" experience, and the ending is far superior to the one that the film debuted with. The cinematography is equally as impressive as the score. Without Blade Runner, you wouldn't have Cowboy Bebop. Then where would you be?

#19 This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

2010-12-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

#19 This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

The most brilliant mockumentary ever made revolves around the metal band Spinal Tap in the final days of their waning relevancy. Infinitely quotable and with an amazing soundtrack to boot, this movie offers laughs from start to finish. Christopher Guest, Michale Mckean, and Harry Shearer play the band's primary members, as the drummers aren't ever alive long enough to actually get much face time. This movie perfectly captures the arrogance of rock stars with the excess of the eighties, blended with the razorsharp conversational wit that can only be found in Christopher Guest films. If you've seen Waiting for Guffman, than you should be familiar with the kind of dialogue I'm referring to. The pseudo-interview style allows each character to distinguish themselves, as well as reveal just how empty headed they really are, and yet you can't help but feel sorry for characters that continually pour more of themselves into already doomed ventures. As if the film wasn't great enough, watching it again with the band providing voice commentary throughout makes for twice the experience. If you were to ask me how much more this film could be number nineteen on my list, the answer would have to be, none.

#20 So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

2010-12-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Mike Myers doesn't get any better than this folks. The nineties beat poet protagonist finds the girl of his dreams, who just so happens to be a black widow as well. Women, am I right? This movie feels like the ultimate tribute to the nineties, and the humor is so natural it seems like they aren't actors at all. With a strong supporting cast, such as Phil Hartman playing the prison guard "Vicky", Amanda Plummer who plays the sadistic Rose, Stephen Wright as the inept pilot, to Alan Arkin as the overly-affectionate police chief, the cast is brilliant. Myers plays two roles in this movie and both are hilarious to see in action. Also, any movie with a bagpipe solo of a Rod Stewart song can't be denied, which is why this movie is number twenty. We have a piper down!

#21 V for Vendetta (2006)

2010-12-16T22:44:00.000-08:00

#21 V for Vendetta (2006)

The only thing more captivating than Hugo Weaving’s masterful physicality as V, is Natalie Portman’s gorgeous bald head, in this breathtaking comic book adaptation from the Wachowski brothers of Allen Moore’s “V for Vendetta.” If you don’t remember the fifth of November, then I hope someone burrows a tunnel underneath your house and blows you up, cause everyone should. I remember seeing this movie on my computer screen for the first time, and being blown away by the sound of V’s booming alliteration. Portman as Evey is beautiful, but the character was written originally as a prostitute, so I tried to keep that in mind for the character instead of her being an orphan to enhance the experience of it all. The shape of her skull is entrancing, but maybe I just have a weakness for pretty girls in short hair. The special effects in this move undersell themselves and make it seem as if slow motion is a natural part of life, when paired with the soundtrack, makes for a phenomenal film experience. The verdict? Vengeance.

#22 Caddyshack (1980)

2010-12-12T04:43:00.000-08:00

#22 Caddyshack (1980)

Rodney Dangerfield gets mad respect, so does Bill Murray and Chevy Chase, for their unequaled heights of irreverent buffoonery in this film directed by Harold Ramis. This movie is essentially a royal fucking over of “the man”, played by Ted Knight, in his ultimate refuge, the country club, and it just feels better each time you watch it. Sure there’s also the story of a young man trying to get college scholarships, but das no fhanny. Chase’s character Ty Webb is a string of pseudo-enlightened observations which come from a place of honest indifference. Just remember that a donut with no hole in it, is a Danish. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Dangerfield plays Al Czervik, an eccentric high-roller who cares little for taste or class in lieu of having a good time, all the time. Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid! Queue standing ovation. And of course my favorite character in this film Carl Spackler, the groundskeeper played by Bill Murray. Perhaps my favorite piece of dialogue ever written, where Murray describes his time caddying for the Dalai Llama, turns out to be completely improvised on the spot. I’ve practiced that bit in the mirror at great length, and yes with the hat and pitchfork. This character stands out in the fact that he is rather harmless and lacks the vulgarity that other characters have embraced, but still keeps the comedy chops going just as much. This movie only gets better with time, and burrows through the ground, popping up at number 22. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

#23 Annie Hall (1977)

2010-12-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

#23 Annie Hall (1977)
This movie is the ultimate portrayal of romantic deconstruction ever written. Allen plays Alvy Singer, a New York comedian who falls in love with Annie Hall, played by Diane Keaton, who is a mid-western aspiring singer. As intelligent and poignant as it is humorous and memorable, this film uses a great many techniques to push it far past the boundary of romantic comedy. Uses meta-cinematic moments to break the fourth wall, Allen addresses the audience and sometimes pulls people into scenes just to prove a point, before shoving them off screen. The chemistry of Keaton and Allen onscreen is truly something to be marveled. The story of their relationship occurs out of order, shifting from present to past to future. I’ve always admired Allen’s ability to make his movies far more realistic than all the others, and his bravery at not taking the “happily ever after” approach to his films, because nothing in life ever works out that way, so I applaud his honesty towards his audience. I wanted to choose Whatever Works because of the pessimistic protagonist, but after some thought, I’d have to pick Annie Hall as Woody Allen’s best work which deserves to be on my Top 30 Favorite Films, in at number 23.

#24 Lupin the Third: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)

2010-12-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

#24 Lupin the Third: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)

The legendary thief Lupin the Third goes on his greatest heist ever in his second movie, which was directed by the animation master Hayao Miyazaki and his unparalleled Studio Ghibli. In this film, Lupin was voiced by David Hayter, the same voice actor who portrays Solid Snake in the Metal Gear series. This animated classic is ripe with charisma, and Lupin’s expressive face makes me wish I was a cartoon. Featuring what I feel to be the greatest car chase sequence ever made, it’s one that has to be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, due to copyright hounds there isn’t a video clip I could provide that would do it justice. This is the ultimate adventure movie. It has action, intrigue, inept detectives, romance, crime, and most notably Lupin’s fantastic sense of humor. The wacky tone that the TV series is known for has been toned down for a more grounded approach, which does a marvelous job of making the characters more lifelike and accessible. It doesn’t beat the audience over the head with grandiose ideas that Japanese anime are known for, and instead plays it cool. And if you’ve ever heard any of the stellar jazz soundtrack, you know cool is the name of the game.

#25 Groundhog Day (1993)

2010-12-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

#25 Groundhog Day (1993)

I love Bill Murray, and in Groundhog Day he plays TV weatherman Phil Connors, who is sent to cover his third Groundhog Day event, which he absolutely hates. After covering the event, a blizzard strikes forcing his crew to stay an extra night, and the following morning he discovers is February 2^nd again, and again, and again. He’s trapped in Groundhog day without explanation and the comedy ensues. He starts the movies as a remarkably unlikable character, but as the days go on you get to feel for him as he tries to pass each February 2^nd in a different way to try and escape the limbo he is stuck in. He goes through a villainous phase where he steals money and has the police chase after him. Then he goes through an altruistic phase, saving as many lives in one day as he possibly can. Then he tries to seduce his producer Rita, played wonderfully by Andie MacDowell, learning a little bit about her each day, and using that knowledge the “following” day to get even further into her pants, but fails repeatedly. Her ability to repeat the same lines, in the same way, over and over again is positively astounding, and feels like movie magic. Enough time passes for Murray’s character to learn how to play the piano and even make ice sculptures. Murray’s range is vast and his comedic delivery is expertly timed. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but if you haven’t seen the various close-ups of the clock timer slowly changing from 5:59 am, to 6:00 am, then you haven’t lived February 2^nd nearly enough times.

#26 Wall-E (2008)

2010-12-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

#26 Wall-E (2008)

The Pixar masterpiece is as gorgeous to look at, as it is touching to watch. An adorable little trash compactor robot is alone on an abandoned trash heap of an Earth. While digging through the unwanted remains of society, he discovers all sorts of trinkets that he saves as keepsakes, and dances to classic show tunes, longing to know the choreographed romance of his very ancient predecessors. That alone is enough for a whole movie, but when he meets another robot whom he falls in love with, he winds up in outer space trying to save the proof that Earth is still a habitable place to live, while trying to save the robotic object of his affection all the while. Maybe it's because I was intoxicated, but I was a wreck for almost the whole movie. It played my heart strings like Jimmy Page wailing on the guitar. The lack of dialogue make this movie far greater cinematic experience than most others. It was a tough call between this film and The Incredibles, as my choice for Pixar’s entry in my Top 30, but I admit that Wall-E made far greater an impact on me, and has rightfully earned its silent place as number 26.

#27 Mean Streets (1973)

2010-12-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

#27 Mean Streets (1973)

Harvey Keitel and Robert De Niro. Holy Fucking Shit. Mean Streets is a classic gangster movie set in New York. A man struggling to move up in his organization is faced with decisions of power or love. And with an unpredictable lunatic like Johnny Boy along for the ride, you’ll be damned sure it’s bound to go off the rails and nose dive into madness. Martin Scorsese directs this brilliant movie of the criminal underworld and its doomed inhabitants. De Niro is a brilliant madman, and is the epitome of the irresponsible loose cannon. Keitel tries to take him under his wing, and the two have a kind of cursed brotherhood together that works beautifully. Of course, the obligatory Rolling Stones is put, once again, to masterful use with “Jumpin Jack Flash” playing while a slow motion walk through of the bar is simply an unforgettable moment. It was a tough call between this movie and Goodfellas for my gangster film entry, but I’m sticking with Mean Streets. The lack of production value makes it feel more raw and realistic a portrayal of characters, that wins out in the end.